The school of life

Life's been weird these couple past months.

I've been me, yes, but mostly I haven't. I've turned, transformed, mutated into something else. Someone else. Someone who I truly like. 

I've become my best friend. 

Life has strange ways of making you grow, left out teaching. 

Everytime I go back it feels different as if always looking at it from a different magnifying glass. 

Life's been a bitch. The most cruel and cold one of them all. 

I never understood why it hated me so much. I seemed to be its most favourite suffering target. But what had I done to it? Why was it always acting like that on me? Why didn't it just destroyed me insted of having me constantly hanging from a thread? At the edge? 

Finally... I got it. The solution. 

Wow it took me milleniums to get it, really. 

If I go back now, I must be either the slowest or the most masochist person in the whole galaxy. I want to believe the first but I do sound like the latter. The thing is this... 

You can suffer. You can ache. You can cry and crawl into bed and never come out. 

Depression can become your skin. The therapist your only friend. Pills your only comfort. 

You can blame the entire world for what happens. Yell. Hate. Cut yourself to pour the pain out. Drink to lose conscience of reality. Drugs to fly out of here. 

Believe me, I've been there. All there, all in and sorry to say it but it can go on for days, months and even years. I'm just being plain honest, there's no point in sugarcoating anything. 

So, how? How did I got out? 

Simple: I took responsability. For me, my actions, my words and reality. 

Sure, you can blame your friends for "never being there for you". Depend on your therapist and pills because "they are supposed to be healing you". Hate everyone and everything because "things don't ever go your way". 

But, is that all true? 

Let's talk about it open chested and vulnerable, shall we? 

Your friends love you, sure they do so stop saying they don't. Now guess what: they are people too, with lives of their own, dreams of their own and responsabilities of their own. They might even have problems of their own as big as yours or worst. They do make time for you, they do care but they are not the ones responsible for pulling you out. They're there to support and love you because they believe in you. But that's all. You, my friend, have become so obssesed in your own self-pity that actually believe no one is suffering but you. I mean, how dare they have problems of their own when you need them 24/7 to contain you, right? Well, no... You got it all wrong. 

Therapists and pills are a sure help from time to time, I won't deny it. They're professionals in "taking care of the crazy you". That's why they studied that, right? Well, no... wrong again. They are professionals in guiding you. In helping you realize how to heal yourself. Professionals in recovering that self confidence and love through a personal work. They're not babysitters who give you drugs. You don't depend on them and they don't "owe you" anything. 

And there's a simple reason why things never go your way: you don't allow them to. You are the problem and the freaking solution to it. 

So there it is. As simple as that. You are the one responsible for you. Not your mom, dad, friends, doctors, anyone. 

Think about it this way: You've been living with yourself in your own skin and brain for years. Has there anyone else crawled inside your skin, literally, to share it with you? Heart, thoughts and all? No. 

When you die, sure there'll be people with you. Maybe holding your hand, maybe giving you a blessing and crying for your certain departure. But, are they dying with you the minute your heart stops beating? No. You die on your own, with yourself, inside of you. No one else. 

So it's pretty much just that. Once you realize and understand that there's always been only you and there will always be just you, it's easier. It's becomes crystal clear. 

You live inside a temple. An incredible temple of strength, of love, of will. A temple that has coped with you since forever no matter how much you've trashed it down. A temple that has hanged in there even when you were broken down, drunk and lost. It healed you. It took care of you. 

I know, you're thinking "how lonely that sounds". But how can it be lonely? You are NEVER alone. You have you and you are your own best support. Your own best weapon against any adversity that might come up to fight you down. So, once you really understand all that "love yourself crap" (how you used to call it) something just clicks. How can you not love yourself? Not forgive yourself? Not help yourself? It is and has been you and only you since and forever. What's best than living with your own best friend? 

Learn to choose your thoughts. There's nothing more powerful that the mind. Every thought that comes out of it becomes instantly real and out there to be shared if you want to. Learn to choose your thoughts so that the only thing to give yourself every day are positive ones. Good energy. Love. Hope. Trust. Respect. You deserve it. Period. 

So stop making yourself a victim, cause believe me: it might not be you who triggered those feelings and put you there. But it sure depends on you, and only you, to get out of it. 

It can be done. I did it, even though it took me years. So stop making excuses cause they're only that: cheap excuses. 

Believe in your own strength and you will be surprised. Believe in your good heart and you will be rewarded. 

Once you start down this road, life will start going your way. You'll see it. Literally, see things start happening in front of your eyes. 

Go for it. With all you've got, even if that's not much. Life's there, God loves you anyways. You are not alone. Ever.