I'm giving up on you

I never meant to. I never thought I would. It felt so real, so complete and infinite. How wrong was I? 

But I'm still here, my life in pause, waiting to hear your voice. Aching to see you, to bump into you and surprise you. To look into your eyes and try to discover what's inside of you. Whether you still love me or not. 

I'm still here. And everything is in flames. And all I've known for weeks is pain. Pain and not being able to breathe. So much pain that I forgot how's life without it. 

I would have given you my eternity. I did. I would have gone anywhere with you without asking questions. I trusted you completely. There was no pillar stronger that you, no embrance more protective and mine than yours. And I'm sorry but I never learned how to live without any of those things. I never thought I had to learn "just in case". We were supposed to be forever.

You're gone now. Millions of years away from me. Lifetimes apart. 

You feel so foreing that it's killing me. How can someone who was your every cell, your every breathe, can become something so alien in such short time? Is memory that fragile? Yours... and mine too at times. 

I haven't forget about you. Not my brain, not my body, and certainly not my heart. So how could you? I always thought that from the two of us, you were the one that loved the most. Again: I was wrong. It was all a scam. Cause that's the only rational explanation I can find: you didn't love me as much as you always claimed or you wouldn't be with someone else already while I rot in here. While I still try to figure my way out of bed every morning. While I learn how to breathe again every day. While I learn how to live a life with no you in it. 

You know what kills me the most? No matter what: the fights, the problems, the struggles, you never stopped being my everything cause I was a blind believer that we could beat anything. I had no doubt that the future was ahead of us, ready for us to take it. I was sure that the years to come where going to happen side by side with you, as we always planned. I guess I was, once more, wrong. What was all that nonsense then? Please, do tell, cause it doesn't make any sense to me now. I don't know what to do with all those memories and promises you created, you made. I can't use them now. 

How was I that blind? How can I have been that mistaken? How can a girl get everything SO wrong? How can you leaving hurts so fucking much? How can something hurt this bad? Where do you learn how to steal my air? My will to live? How am I supposed to put myself back together now? I'm just a girl... I'm not strong. And everything stings inside of me. My entire world is falling apart. I'm so scared... and so alone. 

I can't say goodbye yet. But I am. I have to.

I hope you never forget how much I loved you. I hope you never forget how it felt, how everything felt like. Your lips on mine. Your arms around my body. Your chin on my head. Your fingers on my hair. Your skin and mine. How our breathings syncronized. The peace that surrounded us when we were in our best. My voice. How my "I love you"'s sounded and felt like. How much I needed you all the time even when I almost never said it. 

I hope you never forget any of it. The good and the bad too. Cause no matter how bad it was at the end, it doesn't compare with the good parts. I hope you never forget our story. Cause it hurts, it's not happy, but it's a good one. 

And to her: I hope you are intelligent enough to realize the amazing man you have now. I hope you appreciate him, fully appreciate him cause there's no one like him. I hope you never ever make him suffer or break his heart. For your own sake, I hope you never do cause you don't know me but he does and knows that I will hunt you down and beat you down for it. I hope you are worthy of him too. And above all, I hope you make him happy, so happy that he doesn't want to leave. I beg you to make him happy. 

I would give anything just to be close to you. To wake up next to you. Instead, I'm saying goodbye. Goodbye that future. Goodbye to this broken love that still lives inside of me. Goodbye to you. 

I love you. 

So much. 

Dear self,

Of course you're going to struggle. Struggling defines you. Struggling almost makes you who you are with all the baggage included. Things have never been easy for you, and you know it.
Let me be clear: your struggle is not for money, or food, or a loving family, or a roof above your head. You are, what they call, the "internal struggler". It's what lies inside of you which is at war. A constant one, with you against yourself, and nobody, not even once, ever wins.
So yes, of course you're going to struggle. Cause deep down, and sometimes not so deep, you know life's a bitch and just want to punch her on the face more often than never. So let's do it: let's bleed our heart out for once. Let's finally ooze out all that poison. There's no beauty in pain if you don't use it for your art. And, my friend, artists are costant strugglers, just like you. So, welcome to letting go.

P.S. You can do this.